My parents don’t do my job for me. They don’t cook and clean and bathe and buy my kid everything he needs, I do. Yes they help, but they always ask me first. Dylan’s father doesn’t see or appreciate how easy he has it. And I’m sick of being unappreciated and underestimated. I will no longer stand by and be intimidated. I will not be taken advantage of. I won’t tolerate being lied to. I’m not afraid anymore.

My mother woke me up that night him and i had the argument She pointed something out to me that I think I was in denial of for too long. She said “aren’t they the reason you had to go on anxiety medicine in the first place?”. At first I was offended by her assumption, but after a few seconds I realized she was right. And it was like being punched in the gut. For some reason, I still allowed that family to have control over a part of me and now that I see it, I’m done. Only I can take control of my life and only I can stand up for myself. I am the only one who can let myself feel inferior and as of now, I won’t do it anymore. I am not inferior to anyone, nor is anyone inferior to me. We are all equal, but I am in control. I have the power now.

Be fearless. Be strong. And never underestimate your self. You are all you believe yourself to be.

Well, the answer to that is kind of both…Here is the story behind Dylan’s middle name.

When I was 19 and in college, I was slightly obsessed with John Mayer.  I wore my JM hoodie almost every day and I kept it until it was so stained and holey, you didn’t know it was a hoodie anymore.  I listened to him constantly, on repeat, and everyone was a different ring tone of his.  So my friends nick named me “Mayer”.

A few months after that, I found out I was pregnant.  When I told everyone, they all started calling me “Momma Mayer”,  hence my old screen names and blogs.  MommaMayer317 was my screen name, it was my nick with my due date put together.  We didn’t know if he was a boy or a girl until I was 7 months along, so before we found out, everyone just called him “Baby Mayer”.

While picking out names, his father and I went through our lists and the first time I suggested Dylan, he said no.  We had come to a complete impasse for awhile, until I suggested it again and he said, ok fine.  Then we needed a middle name.  Again, neither of us came up with one we liked until he said “How about Dylan Mayer?”  At first I thought he was kidding and I asked, “Seriously?” and he said, “Yeah, why not? It be after you.”

So, being 19 and loving John, I said Okay!!  We finally agreed on a name and everyone else thought we were nuts and totally laughed at when I said his middle name would be Mayer.  However, I don’t regret naming him Mayer.  First, how many people do you know with that middle name and second, it fits him. He is Dylan Mayer.  It’s totally his personality and I couldn’t picture him being anyone else.

That and I still consider John Mayer to be a Musical God.   Battle Studies blows my mind every time I hear it.  So, thanks John.  You inspire me every day.

I know it is a very painful process, but so is having leukemia.  Imagine trying to deal with the disease and going through chemo therapy and being afraid that you could die and everything your family has to go through.  I would be more than willing to give someone something that could save their life and save them from having to suffer so much.  I really feel like it’s the right thing to do.

I wish I could help more people… One day, when my book is published and I’m a millionaire, I will. 

“Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society.”

This makes sense. If anyone has ever seen the movie “Revolutionary Road” with Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio, you would understand this better. The only person in that movie who made any sense was the guy who was locked in a mental institution. Sometimes I look around the world and I feel crazy, like I should be locked up, but I honestly think I am just way ahead of my time. And I’m not saying that because I think I am better than anyone or feel “holier-than-thou”, in fact it is the exact opposite.

I have self diagnosed myself with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). Here are the list of symptoms from Wikipedia:

* Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
* Self-imposed social isolation
* Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
* Avoids interpersonal relationships
* Feelings of inadequacy
* Severe low self-esteem
* Mistrust of others
* Emotional distancing related to intimacy
* Highly self-conscious
* Self-critical about their problems relating to others
* Problems in occupational functioning
* Lonely self-perception
* Feeling inferior to others
* Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

After learning about this in Abnormal Psych class, I read over the symptoms a few times and it was like a giant slap in the face, because every single one of those is me.

I go to school, but I avoid social contact like the plague. I try to be friendly to people and smile but only because I don’t want people to not like me or think of me as a bitch. I would much rather eat lunch alone than with a group of friends. The reason for this is because I prefer living in my own world to having to socialize with the members of this toxic society. There are so many “insane” standards we are all supposed to live by, none of which I meet! I am not considered beautiful by society or have the right body type or think the same way or believe the same things and I feel incredibly alienated by the rest of the world so I avoid it.

Ever since I was a small child, I have escaped into my brain and created fantasies for myself to live in so I didn’t have to deal with reality. I recently learned that this is a survival mechanism used by many people in the world, including people who were held prisoner in war and victims of the holocaust. I have also learned that I am not the only non war survivor who does this. I believe everybody does this at certain times in their life to escape from every day troubles because honestly, how could we survive if we didn’t? If we were constantly living in the ‘real’ world, how would we be able to cope?? Why do we think books and movies and tv shows were created?? To help us escape the hardships that exist in the world. I am just one of those people who don’t necessarily need books or movies to help me, my own brain is enough.

I am always someone else in my fantasies, or at least a better version of myself. I am what society considers to be beautiful and thin and normal. I am just your everyday girl looking for where she belongs in the world, only she is brave enough to go out there and find it. She is brave enough to create herself.

I do believe I am different from people in the world, but I don’t necessarily believe I am crazy, or I have a ‘disorder’. I believe in 50 years from now people will think everyone who lived during our time to be ignorant and oblivious, just like we feel about our society 50 years ago. People will look at me and people alike as the John Givings of the early 21st century. We were thought of as insane, when in reality, we were the only sane ones living in our time.

The story is slightly random and I didnt even have the idea until late Monday afternoon, so I didn’t even start writing until then.  So I started a day and a half late anyway.  I have off tomorrow and I do have quite a bit of homework I need to do BUT I promised myself I would set my alarm for 3 random half hours tomorrow to do nothing but write for Nano.  That should help boost my word count.

Good luck to all those participating! Let the best writers win! 

It’s also cathartic for the reader as well.  Knowing that someone else in the world has the same secret as you do makes you feel a little less crazy and a lot less alone.  After reading them, I decided to make a journal (an actual journal, pen and paper AKA for my eyes only) filled with my secrets.  I may even send a few in to Post Secret, in hopes of having them published in the next book.  Just after one day, I have written down over 25 secrets and my chest already feels lighter.

The picture above is something that I need to remember.  The past month being back in school has been … crazy and hard for me.  I read that and it helps me get through it.

Pick Your Artist:
JASON MRAZ!

Are you a male or female:
Butterfly .. lol

Describe yourself:
Only Human

How do you feel:
Lucky

Describe where you currently live:
House on the Hill

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Galaxy

Your best friend is:
Laughing Inside

You and your best friends are:
So Unusual

What’s the weather like:
Ray of Sunshine

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
0% interest … lol

What is life to you:
Life is Wonderful

Your last relationship was:
Strange

Your fear:
The Darkest Space

What is the best advice you have to give:
Keep On Hoping

How I would like to die:
Falling All Over The World

My soul’s present condition:
Love is Real

My motto:
Make it Mine!!!

——-

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “my life according to (band name)”

Pick Your Artist:
John Mayer

Are you a male or female:
Daughters…

Describe yourself:
In repair

How do you feel:
Comfortable

Describe where you currently live:
In your atmosphere

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Out of my mind.. lol

Your best friend is:
Half of my Heart

You and your best friends are:
Waiting on the world to change

What’s the weather like:
Covered in Rain

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called:
The Heart of Life

What is life to you:
Another kind of Green

Your last relationship was:
Clarity

Your fear:
Vultures

What is the best advice you have to give:
Good Love is on the Way

How I would like to die:
Slow Dancing in a burning room

My soul’s present condition:
Love song for no one

My motto:
(Numb is the) New Deep